The Halloween season has brought in a creepy clown apocalypse… they are everywhere. Enough is enough. We have put together this clown survival guide to accompany our newest service ‘Creepy Clown Control’ from Fantastic Pest Control, to help put an end to all the clowning around, once and for all.
Everything You Need to Know About Clowns
- Types: There is no set way of “classifying” the clowns (all of them are equally creepy). However, the main notable difference here is that some clowns are actually just on their way to a kid’s birthday party (either that or are the mascot of a well-known fast food chain). They very well may be the innocent victims of rapid stereotyping and are surely not impressed by the drop in bookings/sales they are seeing thanks to the scary clown phenomenon. Other clowns, however, are more sinister… but how can you tell the difference? You don’t have to! Call in the clown removal specialists from Fantastic Pest Control and let them assess the situation for you.
- Where They Hide: While there isn’t a particular location that you can avoid to stay safe, the more obvious places that clowns like to congregate in are less populated areas, such as woods and forested areas, alleys, car parks, petrol station toilets, and even alongside motorways (allegedly soliciting). With that said, don’t be to quick to drop your guard completely when visiting more frequented areas as they have also been seen in public spaces (though you shouldn’t really worry about any clowns inside the Big Top).
What to Do If You Encounter a Creepy Clown
First things first – when you’re going out to spend a pleasant evening in London, be prepared. Some items that every Londoner should have in their hands/man bags at the moment are:
- Fantastic Pest Control’s ‘Clown Be Gone’ spray – an effective blend of unicorn flatulence and rainbow dust, which has been scientifically proven to act as some sort of clown kryptonite;
- A recording of children’s laughter that works as a tranquiliser, instantly sedating any clown within earshot;
- Some sort of teacup dog model that is also portable (preferably able to fit in a bag). We suggest the Chihuahua as they are particularly aggressive and also have the added benefit of being impossible to house train, so the odds of scaring the clown away are quite good, especially considering the fact that it may urinate on your attacker as well.
Keep in mind, however, that you should only act in self-defence as the thing you encounter may actually be a disgruntled street performer or a kid’s party entertainer. So, don’t jump to any conclusions until they’ve actually made a threatening move, like playing an ominous tune on a music box or rapidly twisting a balloon sword together.
Clown Craze Will Escalate Around Halloween
Now that you know how to prepare for any potential risks, it’s time to think about what to do should you find yourself face-to-face with a clown.
First, identify whether the clown has a weapon. If so, run immediately and shout “FREE PIZZA” as people are more likely to respond to that than if you simply scream “HELP!” Once you have found a safe place, send us the clown hideout coordinates via the Fantastic Services app so that an on-call clown control technician can come and eradicate the infestation.
If the clown doesn’t have a weapon, but is menacingly approaching you, you can either run for your life or take out your anti-clown spray, play the recording of laughing children and/or make your enemy aware of the teacup Chihuahua with a full bladder in your bag.
Near-instant Clown Removal Service in London
Upon learning of a clown incident, a 24-hour clown specialist from Fantastic Pest Control will immediately arrive on the scene to assess the situation and, should we find a clown, remove the perpetrator and take them back to the circus, fast food chain, the birthday party, or from wherever else they came from.
We understand that it’s always unsettling to encounter a clown as you wander around on a leisurely night stroll, and even more so if it happens within the boundaries of your own neighbourhood. The reasons for this clown epidemic in London may be endless. But whatever the case, Fantastic Pest Control can always readily assist you with professional clown removal services to restore your sanity and peace of mind.
*Disclaimer: This is not a genuine service and is not meant to be taken seriously. If you do find yourself in a threatening situation involving a clown, call 999 immediately.*
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